Pulling at my Heartstrings

God has been pulling at my heartstrings lately. It has been gentle and easy, but more and more present. and just a wee bit louder with each pluck. (our hearts need that sometimes. when we are out of tune with our Maker. frankly, I should be surprised I don't hear a trumpet blowing right in my ear to wake me up!!! because, I act deaf, I guess. Luckily He has lots of loud instruments for people like me and you.)

It started with a book I just finished called Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet by Sara Hagerty. Sara writes a beautiful memoir about her longing to have children and the inability to conceive. Even more so than that, or the amazing story of how she adopts four children from Africa, the story is about how she communes with God through the pain and joy of daily life. 

While I may not resonate with the longing to have children and the pain associated with not beig able to conceive (just not in that phase of life yet peeps! Thank goodness for all involved), I do relate to the feeling of longing, I think we all do. 

And what was exciting. intriguing. intimidating almost. was the way she talked with God. She listened to Him and waited and pleaded and cried out to and read His Word to learn who He is in a way that she could speak Truth to herself when it felt like the world was crumbling around her. In a way that she was present to all the paths He has open to her.

After I got a glimpse into her heart, I left feeling almost like being pushed to the edge of a high diving board with my toes hanging off the edge, arms flailing, and apprehensive smile busting out with the excitement of a thrill about to come, if you just muster the courage to jump. How can I not seek after that type of communion with God? 

More and more. He pulls my heartstrings. 

With some dear friends and my husband, I have been processing how they see God working in their life either as individuals or as a couple. 

I just realize I don't know how to do this well, and I especially don't know how to do this as a unit with Grant. I'm still learning. But I think it starts with me asking God what he has for me. 

Where are you moving in my life?

Where can I serve you more?

Give me glimpses of your goodness. 

What do you have in store for me today? This week? Next year?

Pull at my heartstrings so I can hear you. 

Of course I am having trouble knowing how God is working in my life, in Grants and my life together, if we aren't even asking the questions. I can't tell you how He is moving in my life right now, which tells me I am not in tune with His melody. 

Don't get comfortable with silence. And I don't want a comfortable life (well, actually I do, that's why I save money and buy nice things and build up my little life of safety nets around me). But we are called to more, my friends. 

I just know He has so much more in store for me and you than I can imagine, so how about trying to ask what exactly that might be?! Because I don't want to miss that. I don't want to miss out on the God of the universe calling me to something great.

(Good ole Carl and I happen to have different beliefs on God, but I certainly like his quote :))

And that greatness is not necessarily something BIG as we view it- like moving to another country. It's BIG because it's God's calling, even if to the world it is unnoticeable (like cleaning the house for the millionth time without help and not saying anything about it. Or sticking through a frustrating conversation when all you want to do is walk out of the house and be by yourself).

Everyone's BIG looks different. But I feel Him plucking and it is not a tune I want to ignore. 

I will be learning to ask and seek. feel the plucking and hear the melody that He so beautifully sings when I open my ears. 

Making Friends with Mud

It's been one of those months where I feel like I am getting pushed down into the dirt, again and again, just to gather myself, get my two feet under me, and get slapped back down into the mud. Basically, the mud and I are becoming friends. 

My knees are scrapped. arms are dirty. ego bruised. abilities questioned. 

But I scrap and fight and learn and rise up. again and again. 

March is kicking my butt personally and professionally. Whether it is projects going slower than I want and learning tough lessons at work or failing to communicate well with my husband, my butt is officially kicked. And it just feels hard to get up. 

Here is what I am learning through my mud friendship/butt-kicking:

We all know you learn through failure. We learn a lot when we are knee deep in mud. So in some ways, letting the mud shape me and change me are great. I mean otherwise, you would find me standing, tears streaming, facing my husband, using a less than pleasant voice tone to make a point again and again without learning a lesson (oh wait, that still happens and I still make that mistake all the time. I guess that lesson is taking longer to learn than others)

What is difficult for me is not letting those buttkickings distract me from my identity. 

You know the reason why getting pushed into the mud is so hard for me? For you?

Because we value the wrong things. It wouldn't be so hard to fail and find myself in the dirt time and time again if I rembered where my true value came from- being a daughter of God. 

But how often do I forget... How often do I place trust in my own abilities, skills, and success? And when those fail me... No wonder I am so distraught!! I put my faith in myself rather than a God who is greater than all my strengths and all my troubles. 

If my identity were not so clearly wrapped up in my success of failure, then getting pushed in the mud would simply become an opportunity to learn. But that's not how it feels. 

And that's when I realize just how much I try and rely on my own strength. And that's just when I need this verse to bring me hope again...

"Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.

For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when good comes,
But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness....Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought...." Jeremiah 17:5-8

We don't have to be shrubs in a desert (yeah! Take that shrubs in deserts!). How beautiful is the imagery of a tree with deep roots in life-giving water. I want to be rooted in that goodness. And I want to stand tall, feet planted, and look up to God for strength. 

(This is one of many photos that I have where people catch me trying to soak up the sun. But it's pretty much the same stance I picture as trying to be a tree, rather than a shrub. And it's a heck a lot cuter than a photo representative of me "face down in the mud all pissy about how things are not going well". Sometimes I spare you those details :))

The times when I get pushed in the mud and find it most difficult are the times I am acting like a shrub. the times I am finding my strength in my own talents or putting my hope in other people. 

But when I remember I am a tree, I don't have to worry about lack of water or that projects don't go well or that I mess up or that it feels hard to stand up from the pile of dirt in which I am laying. I can make friends with mud and face failure because I am rooted in God and can trust that this too will pass. And even if it doesn't, and even when I am face down in the mud, He sustains me. He is enough. 

An Awakening Experiment

Spring is awakening. You can feel it through the sun's rays. hear it in the morning bird chirps. see it in children's smiles as they frolic in front yards (and their parents who let them run around like little crazies because "gosh darnit, it's just so good not to be trapped inside with three kids under the age of four". That is my parent voice that you just heard. You can tell me if it is accurate or not. My guess is, yes.)

Spring means bringing this little guy back to it's cute little self state where he has nice, green leaves! Hooray for spring.

In congruence with the new life that spring brings, I am beginning an awakening of my own...

I want to explore creativity and wonder through developing new skills and cultivating new experiences to enjoy. I love that God created us to be curious (some have a stornger knack for it then others...aka my friend who quit his job and is traveling around South America...nbd)

But, curiosity can be a quality that we hone. we grow. we practice. When I am curious, I am at full attention. sometimes my brain spins a million miles a minute trying to "figure it out". The desire to understand and to satisfy the curiosity brings excitement to me.

Think about the last time you listened to your curious spirit. Think about the last time you didn't just ask someone what they do for a living and scramble to the next best small talk question. Did you really and genuinely ask about their day-to-day work? or how they enjoyed it? or what life choices along their way lead them to that path?

How about this...think about the last time you wondered what something tasted like. or how an experience would make you feel. or if you could do it too. When was the last time you wondered? When was the last time you did something to satisfy the curiosity? When was the last time you tried something and didn't care if you "failed"?

In the spirit of awakening curiosity, my experiment begins. In some ways, it began when I started this blog. I didn't let the fear of what people will think of me deter me from trying. (and, frankly,  I still have to remind myself that people's approval of me will not bring me joy. wholeness. true satisfaction. Instead, I write to share my journey for learning how to love God. learning how to create community. learning how to generate hospitality.)

I am going to try 11 new experiences to fully embrace curiosity. creativity. wonder. 

Here is my brainstorm:

1. Make homemade candles (complete- blog to come soon)
2. Pick up tennis as a hobby (in proces- blog to come soon)
3. Learn to sew (maybe even make patio furniture cushions...wow, that's ambitious considering I do not even know how to turn on the machine)
4. Plant an herb garden
5. Plant a (mini) flower garden (ok...maybe let's go with- plant flowers. garden makes that seem way too overwhelming for this girl to handle. i have yet to attempt to keep a plant alive.)
6.  Visit a museum by my lonesome (really see how going without company influences the experience)
7. Watch sunrise at the beach with coffee in hand (now this one, people, is a BIG deal. it requires getting up early. hello! also made possible with family that live in OC)
8. Host neighbors over for drinks (let's cultivate community peeps!)
9.  ??
10. ??
11. ??

9-11 are still up in the air. Do you have suggestions? Or want to read about my trying something and completing messing it all up? Great- send your ideas my way! I am totally open to looking like a fool and smiling while doing so. :) Or create your own awakening experiment and share your ideas with others (and hopefully me too!).

My hope for this awakening experiment is to cultivate a curious mind that experiences joy, notices wonder, and celebrates the way that God allows us to experience creativity. Second hope= laugh at all of the mishaps that are SURE to happen as I embark on this silly journey.


Also, after I wrote this post, I read an article about the power of pausing and trying new things that even puts science behind some of my crazy statements. The author of the article actually gives some of the same examples that I do- so imagine that...maybe I am not all that crazy after all.

The Dwelling Place

Can I officially unofficially copyright my coffee shop name? It shall be named "The Dwelling Place". (Because I used the word "shall", it makes my declaration that much more official...ya know?)

You can praise me for my great shop name now or later. through blog comments. facebook comments. or even in person. Thank you.

While I have literally no plans to start a coffee shop (I love my career- thankfully!),  it has consistently been the back-up plan to my contingency plan to my uh-oh plan. Basically, I will probably never start a coffee shop, but I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with the idea of owning a coffee shop. 

To which all people close to me would laugh in my face and ask me the last time I got up before 6am. Let's just ignore the logistics here, folks. Geesh!

 (to provide further context to another way I love something that will never happen- I am in love with the idea of living in a small town. Friday Night Lights- the series, not the movie- cursed me forever in that I am super obsessed with Tami Taylor and the community feel.That show portrays small town life in such a beautiful and complex light. But, alas, I am a city girl, now and forevermore. amen.)

Coffee shops represent so many of my most favorite things in the world:

1. lattes (mmmmmm....you are not living until you have the lavender tea latte at Kaldi's. half-sweetened, and skim milk. puhlease and thank you)
2. baked goods. yessssss! (so, I actually rarely order baked goods. but they are there and they are beautiful and enticing)
3. community atmosphere.
4. people watching.
5. space to slow down.

It is a place to dwell. Dwell is one of the top words on my "words I love" list that I keep. (if you must know, here are some others- abide, ripple, serenity, sheninigans.)

To me, dwelling implies a peaceful resting and a feeling of home. Community.

The same reason I idealize owning a coffee shop is the same reason I idealize FNL/small town life bringing strong community. But we can slow down and create room for us to dwell in many other locations and spaces.

Sometimes the dwelling doesn't even need a coffee shop or living room. 

Ultimately, the peace I receive from dwelling in God is the greatest. Sitting on the couch with my legs folded underneath a comfy blanket, tea in hand, and candle lit. Talking to God my Father in who I can fully rest. Like I said, to dwell gives me the warmest feeling of being fully myself and fully at peace. 

Then dwelling becomes less about the space and more of an act and way of being. 

Amidst pieces of my life feeling totally out of my control- which puts me in anything but a peaceful mood- I find comfort in knowing I can rest in a God who is fully in control. and invites me into His dwelling place. and enters into my chaos. 

That dwelling place is better than any fake coffee shop idea I have anyway. 

Funny side note about coffee shops- I totally used to think I would meet my husband in a coffee shop. Ya... That didn't happen. But coffee shops are still magical like that. Believe in the magic!